Being aware of others - a collectivist mentality to social dancing, it's not just about you!

In social dancing communities, we are encouraged to welcome beginners. 

We were all beginners once. Do you remember feeling awkward or self-conscious about trying something new for the first time? 

As a beginner, I loved dancing with any lead that was at a higher level than mine. At the time, that was most of the leads in the room. Their cues were clear; I did things I didn't know I could do. I felt better about myself as a dancer. But did they enjoy dancing with me as much as I enjoyed dancing with them? Probably not. 

When I dance with beginner leads now, as an intermediate follower, I try to be encouraging and reassure them I don't want or need to do anything fancy. I'm quite happy, honestly, to practice the foundations and basic steps repeatedly, if it means a good connection and we can both relax into the music. I'd rather not dance with someone (beginner or not) who stares into space and does fancy moves or performs for others while ignoring me. 

I think most of us enjoy dancing with higher level partners, they can feel safe, light, grounded, easy to move with, and help us feel good too. That includes beginners, intermediates, advanced dancers, and instructors. 

Read that again. 

High level dancers and instructors also want to dance with people at their level and higher. 

As a beginner or intermediate dancer, would you enjoy yourself if you had to only (or mostly) dance with people below your level the entire night? 

Probably not. 

When people say "dance at your level" this is probably what they mean: be considerate of how dancers at a higher level than you might be no different than you - they want to enjoy themselves and dance with people at a higher level...and that might not be you (or me). 

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN ON THE SOCIAL DANCE FLOOR? 

As a beginner, maybe I noticed a lead or instructor who just danced with a few beginners. I know that they will probably say yes to me too, so I ask them. Did it cross my mind that maybe, BECAUSE they just finished dancing with a few beginners, they might want a break? Maybe they are looking to welcome and dance with new beginners...but I don't want to ASSUME that. Sure, it's up to them to say "no" to me, which they can. And I can make it easier for them by being aware of this too. 

I ask advanced dancers and instructors to dance all the time. I am not suggesting you never do it. I try to be mindful of their body language, who they may have danced with, if I noticed; if they are hurrying off the dance floor, looking around to ask someone, if I asked them to dance recently, if they have ever asked me to dance, etc. 

You might think you will only ever improve by dancing with higher level people, or you want to avoid injuries or discomfort with lower-level dancers or have other reasons to not want to dance with people less than your level. I am not here to judge if that is right or wrong. If everyone enjoys dancing with you and it works great, go for it. If you are only thinking of yourself, though, I invite you simply to consider the needs of others also. 

Think of your own needs and be considerate of others’ needs too. 

If we create an attitude of scarcity, "me-first or there will be nothing left," chasing the people we want to dance with to see who gets there first, then we are at risk of creating a stressful environment for dancing. 

In-demand dancers are forced to chase the people they want to dance with in order to avoid others or exit the dance floor as fast as possible to not get asked and have to say "no" repeatedly. 

Attunement to your partner in a dance also applies to attunement to the social dancers at large. Can you read the room and energy of people before you start to dance with them? 

Instructors are probably exhausted when they teach and stay at a social. There can be the expectation they will dance with everyone, especially if they are special out of town guests. Can you imagine what that could feel like? To see a lineup of people waiting to dance with you, and they are mostly (if not all) lower level than you? Would you be excited to dance with a huge line up like that?

Sure, they can just say "no"* at any time but why not help them make it easier to say "no?" By giving them space? Or if you have already danced with them, give someone else a chance to dance instead of asking them more than once? 

*read How to Say “No” in Partner Dancing and Is It Bad to Say “No?”

Let's help each other feel at choice about our experiences and have a good time together. 

It's not your job or responsibility to make sure everyone has fun, but your choices can influence others’ experiences. So why not consider that? 

Read more about this here: Three Tips for Social Dancing.